Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato on Xanga

Monday, 23 April 2012

I don't know why i get fixated on the past every so often, but when i notice a pattern sometimes i like to go back and investigate.

I was reading my OLD diary the other night, (vintage hand-written!) from around 16-17 years old. I was looking to be amused by my old entries that mention Eric, and my RIDICULOUS writing style that i used to use, sort of a cross between internet and laura-style short hand: "i wonder y no 1 likes me." lol

but a lot of entries just made me sad. Well for one thing i never fully acknowledged that i probably liked Eric, he's mentioned loads of times, but usually in the context of, "our insane mall adventure! chapter one: dodging my parents". or the much more dramatic.."man i am lonely. random crush blah blah blah. nobody likes me ever!! i wonder if eric likes me. i wonder if i like him? i don't think so...meh, probably doesn't matter, cause nobody ever likes me." and always "maybe i'll call him tomorrow anyway." it says that last line on so many pages and i never would. unless it was a prank call! It was like a terrible Catcher in the Rye, when he keeps saying, "I should call up that girl, just to say hello." but he never does, either. (except with way more awful writing.)

And that is the sad story that fills my high school years diary lol. well along with the general ramblings and boring stories, and the occasional rant about my brothers. It's a lot more terrible looking back and realizing how much i absolutely loathed myself - I sort of hate that i held myself in such contempt, and i think i hated that i did at the time too. "here's something you never heard of: a self-loathing teenager!" ...real unique. i would hardly tell anyone my secrets, and sort of lie a lot to compensate for zero confidence. Not ridiculous outrageous lies, but, like little ones to just try to blend in or feel more normal in a crowd. I think it went back to my 4th grade fear, however, that someone would find out i like them, and then just make fun of me and isolate me more, and i really didn't want to lose Eric as a friend. That's not an excuse, as it had happened before. And i regretted revealing that 4th grade crush like no other regret I'd ever had. It took a lot of building confidence and strength and self-searching to realize that all lies are harmful, no matter how tiny. Especially the ones to myself. And it took a lot more boy experience to figure out how to communicate stuff the right way, which didn't happen until college.

I really never seemed to admit to myself that i liked Eric. I would bet my brain knew, but i refused. when he got his last girlfriend, a month before he was coming to my prom (long story, another day.) There was an entry where i was like, "man, eric told me he got a girlfriend today. i feel like i was punched in the ovaries. but i dunno if that means i like him, or if i just wish i had someone. or if i'm scared we won't be friends now." several pages later, "eric and i are still great friends and he seems really happy, and i'm pretty happy too. we still talk, and all seems good and we're still good." but then we went to prom. and then.. then things got blurrier and hard. nothing physical happened at prom, besides dancing, but . i dunno. i started to not be able to eat around him or sleep. and fought it down in myself for about 3 more years while he stayed with her. and she hated me passionately ever since that prom, and i never knew why, cause i hadn't done anything and was trying so hard not to like him. i absolutely couldn't tell him while they were together, because for one i was certain all it would do is destroy a friendship absolutely needlessly - he told me he was happy with her, at least at first, why the hell would i think otherwise? second, cheating is something i detest above all things. i would have probably lost respect for him if he did something behind her back. (plus i really didn't want her to be RIGHT on top of everything.) i thought i'd missed my chance for good.

But since then - since i never told him what i thought i might maybe feel, i learned my second biggest life lesson SINCE that fourth grade incident: that sometimes not telling someone really can be a bigger regret. I examined my other guy friends to figure out if i maybe liked one of them, as well, but it wasn't the same at all. When I got my first boyfriend in college, i made sure to tell him things right away as clearly as possible. He eventually broke up with me, but i was ultimately ok, i could tell the whole time he wasn't "THE ONE" (or whatever.) I just felt relieved that i had communicated effectively, i wasn't hiding any feelings. He left but it was still quite a relief, and he did still want to stay friends, and nobody made fun of me.

When I started dating Eric i felt like i had some amazing second chance from the universe, and I again vowed to be as honest about my shit as possible from thereon out. Things are always better when I am. I still struggle with it, all the time. Most of the worst fights we've had have been when one of us is holding something back for whatever reason. So, lesson number 2 still holds up.

Anyway i don't know why i keep going back to look at those things even though they can be so painful, but at this point, about 8-9 years later, it's almost like I'm reading about somebody else. Some other ridiculous Holden Caufield caricature hating the world and all its phonies, including herself (myself?). I've come a long, long way, i think, to the point where I'm putting this on xanga and it's public. in the epic saga of:

LAURA: LIFE - LOVE - AND ADVENTURES

i want some nachos.

Wednesday, 04 April 2012

when i was in fourth grade, i decided to become friends with a boy i had a crush on. i would sit beside him every day at lunch, our desks were near one another, sometimes i managed to briefly hold his hand on the playground under the guise of some tag game. he was quite funny, and we both liked to draw, we were both afraid of spiders, and he was always very polite and kind. i did enjoy being his friend. but, one day towards the end of the year, he asked me if i knew of any girls in our class that liked him. i knew of a few others, and i don't remember if i told him their names or not, but i boldly decided to lay my name on the line. little 10 year old me taking charge! i don't know what i thought would happen, i mean i didn't know if he liked me back, but he was always nice, and i expected that we were at least good enough friends by now that it wouldn't much matter. i mean, we were 10! its not like marriage was on the line. lol.

but he was completely. revolted. he jerked away from me. if i tried to sit near his group, that had become my friends too, they literally all walked away. they wouldn't let me anywhere near them. too stubborn to just get up and find a new table, i stayed there alone and rebelliously finished my lunch. he never spoke to me again, and i heard him angrily dismiss rumors that we liked each other at least once.

it's weird now to think how much this affected me. since that one incident, in 4th grade, i considered myself somehow inconsumable to boys. well, for one, i felt boycotted or something, once most of the class found out. i felt that i had done all i could to win a boy's favor, and i had failed. yup, by 10 years old, i was resigned to becoming an old maid.

this attitude prevailed for quite some time. i did strangely continue to hold a crush on the same boy up until 8th grade. which is ridiculous, because i never had him in my classes in junior high, and i think the only reason i even continued to like him for so long was i felt i needed to have some crush or some secret when barrages of nosy girls would ask. well that and honestly, junior high boys do totally suck in real life. or maybe i was trying to make some kind of martyr out of myself or something; i snapped out of it when a friend slipped it to the same kid AGAIN! and i realized i was being a total dumbass. and also a creeper.

this assumption that i could never be deemed attractive by the opposite sex was reaffirmed by some popular douche bags on my bus. one boy would sit in the bus seat behind me, and reach over the seat to stroke my hair, or coo, or even go so far as to ask for a blow job at least once or twice. i just tried to ignore them, stare out the window, not resort to violence. i guess i was a wimp, but this was a group of about 5-6 "popular" kids, and then me, who just wanted to get some homework done on the bus before i got home. and they all thought they were HILARIOUS.

i got a new crush in 9th grade, a new boy who appeared in my church choir. he had a pretty face, and i think he'd gone to our junior high for like half a year or something. i could safely harbor a new secret crush! and i did. and i never made conversation with the guy, maybe more than once. socially awkward penguin INDEED! but he had such nice bone structure - nice cheek bones. and nice clothes, and charm, and big soft hands. i think i held onto that distant crush for another year until we both got confirmed, and i stopped going to church. lol

then i realized: and this is profound everyone : having crushes does not get you a boyfriend, especially when you don't talk to them ! ::whoknew::
so i stopped having crushes. i figured i would just try to make lots of guy friends and see what happened. it worked for my best friend, maybe it would work for me, some day. I met my friend Eric about that year. A platonic guy friend! who was actually interesting, and found me interesting! and we were HAVING CONVERSATIONS! HOLY SHIT. yays.

for the first time, i would have an actual date to the prom, and not be sitting alone staring deeply at a candle sadly wondering why i'm forever alone face. (oh shut up, was 17 years old.) and it would be fun. I'm really glad i didn't know i liked Eric, because if i had, we would never have been able to be friends. not after the 4th grade incident.

Yeah, i would say it took me til around college to TRULY realize i didn't need to define my self worth based on the attraction i gathered from boys. In college, i actually became OK with being single. Ironically, of course, that's when admirers appeared in droves. I suppose i realized for the first time how it felt to have someone admire you a great deal who barely knows you - and how creepy that actually is lol. I also learned, it sucks when your friends like you and you have to reject them - but i strived to never make them feel like total poo, or sit alone at the lunch table!

... Blah blah blah, i got my first boyfriend, he was a flake, we broke up blah blah blah - i was eventually able to overcome my 4th grade travesty and talk about my feelings that had developed towards Eric; leaning more towards subtlety this time, and things worked out pretty darn well on that round.

But you know what? sometimes, that still feels like a really long time that I wasn't OK. Sometimes, lonely forever alone 15 year old Laura staring into the candle flames... haunts me. Or 10 year old me looks up with reproach from the empty lunch table. Reminds me that maybe I'm not really worth being attracted to. Or i wasn't always, why should i be from now on? I'm certain I'm not the only human this happens to, but its a big reason I lash out when i hear someone call a girl ugly, or weird, or fat, or makes fun of her for being alone. for a minute i am HER. I was her. i was weird and alone. probably ugly and awkward, with acne and mismatched poor people clothes, and braces. reading my book in the corner, just trying to be ignored and survive. And you know what, I think i was still worth loving then, even though i was invisible. Doesn't everyone need to be loved? I always did, it was just unfulfilled until society decided i was "pretty." And if i believe that, that i only became worth loving when i gained my looks, then what is to take it all away if they merely fade or something goes terribly wrong?

Insecurity is always rooted somewhere, you know?

Everyone needs to be loved. even if you're not attracted to that weird girl, or boy, be their friend. sometimes, weird people are the MOST interesting people you will meet. they're socially awkward? help them out. even if they seem to resort to bitter jokes - it is a defense mechanism. it hurts me so much to hear a girl described that way, i don't even. Its hard to express when you haven't been me.

Monday, 26 March 2012

hunger games movie rant

feel free to tune the following dorkitude out .

most of the movie i was actually surprisingly able to swallow. there were a few important things i thought maybe they should have tried to explain. they certainly could have explained the mockingjay a little better at the very least, but i can understand the time restrictions of making a movie from a book. and Jennifer Lawrence really did a good job at capturing Katniss. (an actual realistic, strong female character!)

but can i just say i'm still really infuriated by their portrayal of Gale? immediately I'm biased because i already hate his stupid face and their casting choice, and sure he was way too clean, well-groomed, and plump to be from a starving village - but even overlooking that, holy shit how was he such a gaping idiot. "HER DERP WHAT'R YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT DEER? SELL IT? like we do with every possible kill in the book because we're you know, starving to death and have families that need to eat?"

not only would his character's "velvet tread" NEVER ruin her kill in the book, he specifically helped her family at all costs. and it was a DEER! those things are rare and expensive! and she would in no way joke off his complete assholery, she would have been unforgivably angry. may i reiterate, they are literally starving. the movie did not make that clear enough. (Hollywood: huh? what's poor mean?)

/nerd rant about stuff that's not even real life.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

An Open Letter to the AMC Writers and Producers of "The Walking Dead"

I have been a fan of the AMC adaptation of the Walking Dead since the very first episode- but lately I find myself wondering every week, can the producers possibly show themselves to be more sexist? In the comic books, every woman is a strongly defined character with specific various weaknesses but also bad-ass strengths, things that shape each one and make them all multidimensional, and pretty awesome. In the show, the women are helpless worrying nags that are always stuck behind uselessly "waiting for their men", cooking, or doing laundry, (men are never seen doing these tasks...) while the men are all out doing their zombie slaying and "cool" stuff.

Andrea, who is the comic book's best shot, is seen as over-emotional and even unable to learn well from Shane because she is so unstable. Carol - who is the survivor of a physically abusive marriage that only ended when her husband was zombified and shot- her daughter was lost, but she spent most of her time sitting alone in the trailor while everyone else (mostly the guys) combed the forest searching for her.

The comic book's Maggie shows her unafraid to don armor and kick some undead-ass when the situation calls for it- most of the time she's the bigger risk taker than Glenn. In the show, all she does is complain and stay behind, and act boring and bitter when he goes out to do something dangerous.

In the mid-season 2 premiere, (spoilers ahead) I almost had my hopes up when Lori got in the car (to go "find her man") that she would come across some defining adventure and access her inner bad-ass, but WOMP WOMP she crashed her car because women are stupid and helpless AND ALSO BAD DRIVERS! that's liberating innovative thinking right there! None of this was even a plot line in the comic books, so this is AMC writers and producers coming up with all of this stereotypical genius! there is no way I am the only one who has noticed it at this point.

Please do not tell me that it is because more men watch the show, or that nobody wants to see a strong heroine. I have heard it all before, and it is all completely backwards, false, and ignorant- especially in 2012. There is no reason to alienate half of the population, and this is in fact a great opportunity to stamp out obsolete stereotypes and draw in more females who might be interested in the subject matter, instead of disgusting them with the typical. This isn't Dr. Quinn Medicine woman, this is post-zombie-apocalypse modern world. I have read the comics - I know the potential that Robert Kirkman had in mind for all of these female characters. AMC is the one directly dumbing them down. I am certain you will eventually be losing a lot more than me as a viewer if you don't start to write in better plot lines for the show's women.

has anyone else on xanga noticed this? anyone out there watch the show/read the comics/know what i'm talking about? ALL of the women on the show suck, there's only one source that can be attributed to and its not the actors. Sigh, I probably won't really stop watching it, as long as they keep up the violent graphic zombie deaths and cool effects. but wow. for reals. i take issue with this.

Thursday, 05 January 2012

Attraction.

Today, I would like to talk about attraction.

When I was in high school, I refused to wear dresses, put on makeup, etc. I dressed according to how I wanted – my style wasn’t GREAT, but I had a look – usually mismatched colors or comic book t-shirts and messy jeans, or baggy pants. I wore braces, and didn’t do much with my hair: didn’t wash it that day? Throw it up in a pony tail! Had intermittent acne that had way too much effect on my self esteem. In general, I stayed silent, achieving ultimate invisibility in most classes, which was usually what i was going for. The one problem was that all of this also made me VERY invisible to boys. NOW, to be clear, boys weren’t exactly a priority for me in HS. I was still figuring myself out, making new friends, suffering trite humiliations and trying to get past my painful self-awareness. I was working towards my future careers, trying to keep up my grades.

But, I would be lying if I said I was not lonely in high school. Like boy-lonely. I am sure I tried to avoid any indication that I very much was. I had almost no guy friends (that went to my school) and even ones I was friends with outside of school, I felt trapped in a platonic zone.

In college, I lost the braces, started wearing bras with underwire, and decent clothes (with help from a gay bff lol), and caring about how my face appeared in the morning. I got a lot more confident, although I also felt much more at home in art college, having classes with a bunch of similar nerds lol. I got a decent boyfriend within a year, as well as the attentions of a number of new boys. And since then, I’ve grown even wiser, gained some more experiences, and am in a long-term relationship with my best friend (who is also really hot. Not that I’m biased.)

I’m writing this now because I read a lot of people on here complaining that they are single and they don’t know why. This is mostly for people who have NEVER had a bf/gf, who are late bloomers (as i was one). And I know a lot of people in real life too who feel the same way. They are basically great people, confident in most areas of life, except for when it comes to romance and dating. A lot of them post about how they feel that they shouldn’t have to “change” who they are in order to get someone. Well, here are some things to think about.

What do you think is appealing about you? If you think you are totally terrible: the first step is working on that self esteem. Chances are, you’ve made friends in your life. Chances are, they’ve seen something appealing in your character. Everybody is interesting, you’ve just got to discover your own spark. Smile more, think about your self-appeal, and look for more things that you are good at. If you think you are totally awesome at everything: well, you’re not. But we’ll talk about that later.

What are you looking for in someone else? This is important, because if you don’t have standards, you’ll just try to get with anyone, or let anyone get with you; you’ll either come off as desperate, or end up letting yourself get hurt. ALSO – and this is key; you have to make sure that you reach similar standards yourself. You want a guy who dresses nice, and keeps up his appearance? Or even just a guy who has good hygiene? Then you’ve got to keep up your grooming and fashion yourself. It never hurts to look and smell nice, and it makes a huge difference in your confidence for the day. Just a thought: humans have some of the best vision of the animal kingdom, in terms of incorporating color, etc. To deny that appearances matter is patently false. We’re biologically designed to judge mate-ability right away. (this applies to anything - want a guy with goals? motivation? a job? make sure you have those things yourself.)

You don’t have to change who you ARE – but what is it that truly defines you? Your crappy clothes? Your denying to wear makeup? Your eating habits? I’m sure that’s how I thought in high school lol. But probably not. Think of the fundamental things that define YOU. Your views on the world, your sense of humor, your honest version of you. THOSE things, you should never change. (well, unless your views on the world are extremely racist … or extremist … etc … Yikes) Otherwise, if staying the same old dumpy you has not garnered the desired positive affection over the course of many years, there is no reason to think you’re unalterably perfect and appealing “just the way you are.” We should all be on a constant personal quest for self improvement, anyway!

What are your flaws? I’m talking about character flaws. Not things like “I’m fat.” (Although this counts as a character flaw if you are aware and capable of changing it, but are not motivated. Also, as we all know, it’s not healthy to be grossly overweight, and “love thyself” always comes first.) Don’t over-exaggerate or dwell on all the horrible things that are wrong with you. Think about it as objectively as you can. And YES, you DO have flaws. If you are reading this and you think you don’t have flaws: THAT IS A MAJOR FLAW! Lol. But seriously. Your flaws are not the end of the world. If you can get a handle on working towards fixing and bettering them, all the best. It’s better to just be aware of them, master of them, and nobody can catch you by surprise.

What are your views on sex? On marriage? Know yourself on these topics, and be comfortable with your views. If you feel uncomfortable thinking about sex –you really gotta work on that. Sex is important in a romantic relationship – it isn’t “EVERYTHING”, obviously, but without sex, or that sexual tension, or the DESIRE for sex – well you’re basically just friends who hold hands. It’s fine if you want to wait til marriage, but don’t just say that because you’re uncomfortable thinking about sex. Seriously. (Also, having been to a hooker is NOT endearing. If you’ve gone there, I really wouldn’t bring it up. Ever.) If you want to get married in the future, let that be known. Not by saying “so what are your favorite baby names?!? WE WOULD HAVE SUCH CUTE OFFSPRING!” on the second date, or anything crazy… just state towards the beginning of a relationship that it is a goal of yours. If they get freaked out: lucky you. You saved yourself a bunch of pointless years waiting for a ring that will never show. If they say they don’t think they’ll get married, believe them. If they say they aren’t looking for anything serious, but “we’ll see what happens”. They are not serious. If they stop calling, they stopped calling for a reason. Don’t try and track down that reason, you probably don’t really want to know what it is, and the result remains the same. Go with the flow.

Probably the biggest thing is to always talk to new people. Always be in development of your interpersonal relationships, make as many friends as possible and stay positive. Being friends with both sexes has its perks, even if your ulterior motive is in pursuit of a romantic encounter: the same sex (er, sexual orientation, er whatever includes everyone here lol) can serve as wingman/wingwoman, or introduce you to their network of people who may include someone single! Being platonic friends with members of the sex that your attracted to, can help get you inside tips, and advice, and/or “translations” for confusing mixed signals. Haha, all good things to learn and acquire.

As for rejection: it will happen, probably more than once. But you gotta keep swinging, keep on trekking. Keep on bettering yourself and realizing how awesome you are. You have to take the bad with the good. Sometimes, you’ll be rejected with constructive criticism, which you can use to your advantage and become even more awesome for someone who will appreciate it. Its all in keeping a healthy, positive view of things. Don’t let the evil self-esteem monster whisper horrible things in your ear: things like “what makes you think you’re worthy of love? His current girlfriend is WAY better than you. Sure that one LIKED you, but nobody will LOVE you! What makes you think YOU are ‘sexy?’ HA! You’re RIDICULOUS AND AWKWARD” (these are things that have whispered their way into my head at various dark points of my own life. ) But they are not true! Well, I am ridiculous and awkward haha but I’m ok with that now.

Also: if you are so in love with a friend who doesn’t know about it, that you start to feel pain in your chest when you talk to them, you have to tell them. You basically HAVE to risk the whole friendship, because your stupid heart already went and fucked it up. I mean unless you really don’t mind being in pain every day … weirdo. You might have to be careful, and subtle about it, and you might have to lose a friend. at least for a while, or else you'll be the annoying "but why doesn't he like meeeeeee?" friend in your circle .... but the rewards can be really awesome. (Three and a half years, betches!)

And those are a lot of lessons I’ve learned, that’s all. Hope this helps someone?