but at least i'll have something to work on in the new decade, eh?

i've become spoiled living at home again. although I've taken full custody of my own room, my mom still does most things to tie down the fort and i find that when she's busy or if i have to do them myself, i am irrationally irritable.

if i am busy, and you are busy: we both have hectic schedules. if you are busy, and i am not, i feel neglected, even though the only thing that's changed is my own schedule.

if i am not allowed to drink, nobody should be! sigh.... i dont believe i have a problem, but drinking once and a while with friends used to be soo much fun! now that i'm at risk for a seizure though, i wish everyone else would stop too! haha. idk tho, i really get way more worried about it than i used to.

if somebody asks me how my day went, i will tell several great embellished tales. i may forget to ask them in return.

if i am losing a game, i often become irritable. usually not so much, but this intensifies exponentially if someone tries to "give me advice." if i am winning the game, even if my technique is still horrible, i'm totally fine with life.

sometimes i forget to say thank you for things -- as if i'm just entitled to them. that's not so nice at all.

i went Christmas shopping and bought 2 pairs of pants, a pair of shoes, and a pair of snow goggles: for myself. i haven't even finished shopping for anyone else yet...



there are many more of these that perturb me, so i may edit here and again.

also, my final one: i just spent the last half hour analyzing my own self-centered ass.

the difference between my mother and i.

i'm aware of the fact that my memory span is no longer than 0.3 seconds. i switch left and right all the time when giving directions. i HATE giving directions. i don't know what questions i'm supposed to ask whom in any situation, so i often hold onto them silently until i figure it out on my own. i have lost every object i've ever owned at least once. in fact, many have never been recovered: my little gift to the universe. i don't like talking on the phone. i don't act like an adult 24/7 (more like ... 7/7).

i know these things! they're hilarious, and you can feel free to make fun of me: one time, the day i first recieved my new cell phone, i was holding both it and a piece of trash in the same hand - hovering over a garbage i thought to myself, "don't let go of the wrong thing, please don't let go of the phone...." i released my pinky... and discovered i was still holding my empty coffee cup. luckily, the garbage had just been changed, so i recovered my phone easily; however my merciless friends, i believe, will never allow me to live that one down. as well they shouldnt! that's what we do. because, none of us are perfect: our collective humanness is the one thing we will always have in common.

i don't know if my mom believes she is above human in some respects, but her jabs at me are not of kin. they are deep and painful. and if i make some even lightly joking comment about a mishap she had, i get a verbal slap in the face back. and, i truly believe this is the underlying problem of all our relationship qualms: i can laugh at myself, she cannot. and i don't really know how to communicate in other ways. so. we sit in cold silences most times, or i listen to her sob story of the day and sarcastic "kill me nows."

i know that my mom has had a LONG series of SERIOUSLY traumatic events that have led us to where we are now. but without laughter, what have we got left at all? the universe wins. and what good is that? sure some things are just too low to crack about but, usually - joking about them removes them from the market for pain.

that being said, it is HOW the things are joked about that also matters. saying, "oh i don't see a future in that for you! haha!" ... well. ... that's not really funny. saying things like, "well maybe you can prostitute to make money in the meantime?" HAH. funny. well... as long as she's not actually jabbing at my premarital sexuality ... gotta look out for those undertones.

maybe someday we'll get it right.

someday i'll get my lazy-ass back on the highway! i have been just sitting around for 3 months! seizure, smeizure, big deal - i should be out there wrecking cars- out in the larger world of art! eff the regulations!

of things have happened over the past several weeks- well really starting with thanksgiving day.

this was the first year that my boyfriend was invited to come to our thanksgiving dinner.

Every year, it is a tradition within my family to make the homemade stuffing the night before. i don't really know how it came to pass as such, it's just become so over the years. and it is kinda fun, tearing apart whole loaves of bread, smashing egg yolks in the palm of my hand, and mushing it all together with meat and veg's in a giant pot. idk, its a carryover tradition that my dad started when he was still with us, and one of the few things the rest of us still do as a family anymore. anyway, my older brother was in charge of the recipe this year, except just as we're starting to prepare it, he goes out with his friend for "a few drinks" - and asks us not to start without him. three and a half hours later, its 11:30 and we really need to start the stuffing. i called him, he said he'd be home soon. so, i do the best i can with his scrambled illegible handwriting, with the help of bf and younger brother.

1 am, a sloshed, imbalanced, and piercingly obnoxious older brother strolls through the door. completely wasted. he's doing impressions of some god-knows what, at the top of his lungs, thinks he has some right to be annoyed that it was all done and his recipe wasn't followed to a T, and just as i'm screaming at him to shut the hell up cause my mom was asleep - she awakes and joins in the early AM squalor.

i doubt she ever fell back asleep after that- at least not for several hours. have you ever heard anyone singing at a 7 decibel volume: while throwing up? it was a lovely audio-track while we were all just settling down playing video games. more unspeakables ensued as the night progressed. older brother passed out at my mom's keyboard.

the next morning happened, i awoke early. the bad mood pierced the household. my mum woke my older brother early as well, to give him proper what-for and teach us a lesson in respect. i didnt know whether i should apologize to my mum, or wait until it was actually faced, or, what to do with what. so, instead, eric and i went out for a walk. was lovely weather, after all. as we're enjoying time not spent inside my house at the park, i get a desperate, sobbing phone call from my mom and my younger brother to come home right away.

i immediately assumed: something's happened to my grandmother. i didnt know what could have transpired, everyone was in working order when we left. and that voice sounded like it was something BIG. and BAD.

as we got to my house, i noticed a cop-car pulled up front. our pace became much quicker- older brother was lying on the floor in the tv room, my mom shaking like mad next to him, telling him to lay down. something weird about his face...

apparently, he had gone into a seizure... my mom thought he was dying at the time she called us. he was conscious, but not responding with recognition or able to speak. we called his cell phone to find it, so we could ask his friends about his previous night's activities... he reached into his pocket and flipped it open, but seemed disoriented as he stared down at the strange open object in his hands. he was taken away by ambulance, my mom beside him, not knowing what to do with herself.

after all of us repeatedly denied that he had anything to do with drugs, he was checked out by the hospital, and was well enough by the time dinner rolled around to join us at my aunts house. so all was well on that front.

i told my boyfriend, its not like this every year. i'm invited up to his place next year. lol

ahh.. so much more to come.