Saturday, 30 January 2010

• My Life in Kisses

  I haven't kissed a whole lot of boys. and i didnt enjoy most of them. but i do think its interesting to ponder back through my experiences every now and then, and kissing is.... well, the list is way shorter than my "unrequited crushes" pile, and more interesting than my bad dates, creepy stalkers, or minuscule failed relationship pile. plus, it is such a subjective act of expression...
  
  Well, let's start with My First Kiss ever - i don't think it counts, really, but then, i don't count the next several, either. because it wasn't a kiss out of like or love or romantic interest. it was spin the bottle during highschool. and it was a non-tongue closed face kiss. and it was a very platonic friend, to say the least. lol
  
  My First Boyfriend - i was 19, he was 24. you'd think he'd have some experience and the like, no? i should clarify that he was also Mormon. it was really more like we were weird friends who cuddled and hung out every day, and when it came to goodnight .... ... ... it was a lengthy hug. albeit, adventurously shifting positions every 2 or 3 minutes. i had never French-kissed a boy before. i didn't date much in high school and i had always hoped that it would be, i dunno, special. about a month or so into "dating," i decided i was going to kiss him. i really thought that he would have made the move but... i mean, a month? thats long enough to take assertive actions, right?
  
  so, one night, after some vigorous hugging, i went in for the kill; ok well really i was just going for the lips. he was at least a head taller than i, so it was awkward off the bat. he then immediately proceeded to rape my throat with his tongue. like it was a plunger or something. i was - to say the least - alarmed.
  
  my thoughts were running along, "um, i guess he's just eager?" and "how long are we supposed to keep at this?" "is this proper? i taste his teeth ... is that normal?" ... "uh...are we gonna have to do this often from now on?" eventually, we stopped and he said goodnight and left. there was whisker burn around my face when i looked in the mirror afterward. i went to sleep feeling somewhere between "victorious! i achieved a real kiss!" ... but more than a little, i felt... i don't know. shortchanged. and sort of . empty.
  
  the next day was quite weird, he barely texted at all and when he came to visit me that night he pulled me out into the dorm hallway and told me he "didn't feel ready to kiss me like that." apparently ... he'd "moved too fast" with an ex and it messed him up. so, that left me feeling like a pushy whore. awesome. i told him i guess i wasnt ready either. our relationship mostly tapered into friendship after that, and 2 months later, we broke up.
  
  It was quite a while before i felt brave enough to put my lips out on the line again. about 8 or 9 months later was:
  
  My "Hook-Up" Experience. he was friends with the same old group as my ex, and my friend's boyfriend at the time. They were a quirky, funny sort of peoples, so for some reason i guess i assumed he would have similar traits. i only hung out with him once or twice, but at said friend's boyfriend's (well call him S to make the story clearer) birthday party he somehow became latched to me - openly flirting, sitting extra close, and he kept trying to make arrangements for a small group diner excursion afterwards. he even wanted to stay down in my apartment that night, but i could tell from a) gut feeling and b) a glance at S's face that that would not be a grand plan. nevertheless, he got my cell number and texted me for the next week or so.
  
  now--i knew that this was not going to be serious. for several reasons. the day after the party, he hung out at my appt for a while. i had to have him signed in, he'd already graduated and left the school. and he kept leaving and going off somewhere and having me sign him back in. it was weird. his conversation skills were pretty much non-existant. or maybe he just wasnt interesting. i asked S about him, and he said this kid fooled around with a lot of girls. and he'd also recently had a bad breakup. i had a feeling he was planning on trying to add another notch. his texts were always brief and shallow, or if he called me, our conversations would not last long or delve very deep. so i DID know, i wasn't setting myself up for heartache with this one.
  
  BUT: my only experience with making-out had been, "wow that was kinda gross." i had to know, was it me? was it kissing? or was it boy?
  
  sooo... when he texted that he would be in the city again, would it be ok to pay me a visit? i said, eh, why not. and went with it. we hung out as a group, first, i guess to make us each comfortable enough with each other for action to happen, and afterward he stayed in my room this time.
  
  i had never shared my bed with a boy before. my roommate was downstairs with her boyfriend, so it was just me and him. and honestly i was scared to death. what had i gotten myself into? i was afraid to even face him - what if kissing was still terrible? am i really a big slut now? so yeah, i think i was shaking like mad when we started kissing, even though the apartment was a thousand degrees (swell night for the AC to go down) ... but it wasn't so bad. but i absolutely did not let any other part of him touch any part of me beside our faces and hands.
  
  but it wasn't SO bad, and he told me i was a good kisser, which was nice, but ... i still felt more or less, "how long is this supposed to go on for?... i really ought to read up on the time rules of kissing...."
  
  and, in the morning, we hopped up, i went to class, he left the city, and we texted that night or maybe the next that it would probably be best if we just stayed friends. that one was definitely a mutual "lets not date". and we definitely didn't stay friends. and i would definitely NEVER do that again. (i still can't fathom one night stands.)
  
  
  My REAL First Kiss - June 1, 2008. time stopped, people evaporated, cars honked, babies cried, sears auto department whooped at us from afar, my car door was wide open and beeped for about 45 minutes before we became aware of the world around us again.(yeah ... it was in a mall parking lot in broad daylight...... we really didn't plan that one through haha....) he was my best friend of 5 or 6 years. i could go on, but it's harder to sound unbiased because i'm still sticking around this one.
  
  what was your best kiss?
  

  • 2:12 PM
  • 106 Views
  • 10 eProps
  • 10 Comments